


And It Hurts So Bad But It Feels So Good

by corikane



Category: Pitch Perfect (2012)
Genre: Angst, Doubt, F/F, Pain, it's angsty folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-05
Updated: 2013-09-05
Packaged: 2017-12-25 17:30:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/955815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corikane/pseuds/corikane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beca watches Chloe - a lot. And that worries not only her. (No copyright infringement intended.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	And It Hurts So Bad But It Feels So Good

Beca was watching Chloe - a lot lately. She thought having seen everything of her in the shower should have been enough for a lifetime but that was before she even got to know her, know the amazing person she was. And now she couldn't turn away anymore. The way her hair bounced, the way her eyes sparkled, her hands and legs and... everything.  
Beca had tried to convince herself that there were reasons to look at a friend so much, that Chloe was just too perfect to even be believable and that one would inevitably stare at such a someone. That she drew the eyes because she was always so cheerful and because you had to like such a person. And she told herself that maybe she just looked at her to find a fault that would make her feel better about herself... but though these may have been legitimately good reasons, they weren't her reasons.  
Her reasons... her main reason was incredibly predictable and not to mention piggishly male: Chloe was hot. And Beca should know that better than most people because she'd seen her naked. And that was another thing... she had tried to remember every minute detail of Chloe's naked body, she had lain awake at night doing this. Not surprisingly, this was not the best idea when one had a roommate who never slept over at a friends and rarely went out except for classes.  
So, now that she was all worked up and confused and wanting - now the Trebles had to invite all the acas to an 'epic drunk-a-thon' at the BTM house! Just Beca's luck. More luck: Chloe was wearing those skin-tight jeans Beca was especially fond of, and a tight red top (that Beca suspected had probably been the ruin of several of Chloe's male and probably female friends in the past)... yes, Beca was incredibly lucky. And the voice in her head telling her this was incredibly sarcastic. She was pouting.  
From her position on the couch, she watched Chloe laugh with friends, flirt with some guys (not very seriously, just party-drunk-flirting, but still..), and move sexily to the music. Once again, Beca could not take her eyes off her friend and she felt ridiculous and shabby to do it - and drepressed because Chloe wouldn't come over and talk to her and sit next to her and touch her... innocently. But then there was someone who did just that and that was probably even worse because it was Jesse.  
"Hey, Becaw," he chirped cheerfully.  
"Jesse," she greeted grumpily and took another long swallow of her drink.  
"Wow, you're in a festive mood. You sure you don't wanna go home and mope there... I wouldn't want you to bring everybody down with you," he said in way of a joke but Beca was already too far gone to even care. She kept staring at Chloe while saying:  
"Can't do, my reason for moping is here. I'm not leaving. Also: free booze," she lifted her cup and grinned at him joylessly.  
"Ooo-kay. What's the reason then?" he asked.  
"Chloe," Beca said but that was all.  
"What did she do?"  
"Look at her! Look at what she's wearing! She's... perfect. Just perfect," Beca said. She got a dreamy look in her eyes but Jesse didn't catch that because he was looking at Chloe.  
"She's pretty," he agreed but Beca just gave him an incredulous look.  
"Are you blind? She's... out of this world," Beca told him. Jesse had to laugh at this, a short laugh. Then he looked at Beca.  
"Even if she were, I bet half the guys here would rather go out with you than Chloe, Becs. I think you're way cuter," he told her and grinned. Beca squinted her eyes at him.  
"Then you're a moron," she told him plainly and he looked a little confused. He had wanted to cheer her up, had thought Beca was envious of her gorgeous friend - who in truth was not really Jesse's type, Beca was. "Just look at her. She's amazing, and such a good person, too. Look at her hair, her nose.. she's lovely," Beca, meanwhile, rambled on.  
"She's not my type," he said albeit a little testily. He didn't see why Beca would call him a moron for paying her a compliment.  
"Yeah, well, I'm beginning to think she's mine. Excuse me," Beca said because her cup was now empty and she needed a refill. Jesse looked after her in shock. Did she really just say what he thought he'd heard?

Beca went to the little tiki-bar that sat in one corner of the big basement room of the Treble-house and ordered another of the same. She wasn't even sure what the same was at the moment but everybody seemed to like it, so...  
"Beca," somebody said behind her and then two arms came around her shoulders, hugging her tightly from behind. Beca knew who it was, there was only one person who said her name quite like this and since her body became aflame with the hug there was really only one conclusion: Chloe.  
"Hey, hot-shot," she gave back.  
"Hmmm, hot-shot, I like the sound of that," Chloe said near her ear and Beca felt the goosebumps down to her toes.  
"What're you drinking?" Chloe asked and let go of her friend to stand next to her at the bar. Beca instantly missed the touch and took a sip of her cup.  
"I don't know, something yummy," she told her friend and smiled up at her just to see her smile back. Chloe did, she always did.  
"Then I have something yummy also," Chloe said to the bartender.  
"I don't know, out here in public?" he asked her flirtingly.  
"I was talking about the drink," Chloe told the guy but did smile at him, batted her eyelashes.  
"Oh, that's too bad," he said and started mixing.  
"Why don't you two get a room?" Beca groused at them and left, leaving another friend beffled as to her behavior tonight.

Beca felt hurt, and she felt stupid for going off on Chloe and the barkeep. They hadn't really done anything, they had just flirted. Like two healthy, young people - of the opposite sex - should do. Just: it hurt. She didn't want Chloe to flirt with everybody - male - else, she wanted her to flirt with her, Beca. Stupid barkeeper.  
Beca trudged up the stairs from the basement, walking by some couples sitting there, mostly kissing or talking really cosily. Yes, this was the perfect environment for getting to know a person up, close and personal. If that other person was so inclined. Well, Chloe wasn't. Tough luck for Beca, the tauting voice in her head told her and she had to work her jaw pretty hard to keep from shedding tears. This wasn't a good place for that. She already felt like a loser, there was no reason that others would have to think her one, too.  
Beca stepped out of the house but didn't leave, she simply sat down on the steps and put her arms around her knees.  
"Idiot," she berated herself and lay her chin on one knee.  
"I wouldn't exactly say that though I'm never sure what you're trying to accomplish with the eyeliner and the ear-monstrosities," she heard Aubrey's stern voice behind her. She turned and saw the tall blonde sitting on a deck chair.  
"Should have known the Trebles have more comfortable accommodations than the steps," Beca said.  
"You know Bumper, he's got to have a comfortable accommodation everywhere just in case something happened somewhere that involved him and someone of the female occupation."  
"You sound a little jealous, Bree," Beca told the blonde. She really didn't want to talk about Bumper or to anyone at all - least of all her captain.  
"Oh, I'm not the jealous one between us two, am I?" Aubrey gave back a little cryptically but, of course, Beca knew what the other woman meant. Though, how she could know she had no idea.  
"I don't know what you're talking about," Beca said and remembered the drink she was still holding and that the world was always a little friendlier when she had another sip - so she took one. Aubrey came over to her and sat next to her.  
"You know, at first, I was convinced that you were into Jesse... and I didn't like it. The Trebles... they don't know how to treat women, they're boys and women shouldn't be meddling with boys... but then I watched you and saw that it was not Jesse at all you were interested in, though, he is plenty interested in you. It's Chloe and... well, I hate to break it to you, Beca, but she's out of your league." Beca didn't say anything, she simply took another deep sip of her drink, feeling the bile rising in her throat and trying to fight it down. It wasn't like she didn't know that but to hear it said out loud... and from someone who just liked to rub it in...   
Beca just kept on drinking until the cup was empty.  
"You heard what I said, didn't you?" Aubrey asked after awhile.  
"I heard you," Beca said flatly.  
"So, you're not denying that you have a thing for Chloe, that's at least something. Because it's really kind of obvious the way you stare at her all the time... though, really, Beca, I mean, I'm not saying that Chloe doesn't swing that way. Well, you know, she's someone who gives a lot of love and sometimes even to people who are... well, not in her league at all but if you think that'll happen, you have another thing coming."  
"I know that," Beca said just as flatly as before. She was so close to tears, she thought her voice must break but luckily it didn't. But Aubrey wasn't going to let it go.  
"I just don't want you to get your hopes up, Beca. Chloe likes you but she's not into you, believe me. I would know if she was, I'm her best friend." To this Beca only nodded, she felt incapable of making any other form of reply. She knew. She knew so well that Chloe didn't like her that way, this was only the last confirmation, the one that quenched the last spark of hope, just snuffed it out. And it hurt so bad.  
"You shouldn't tell her, you know. Spare yourself the humiliation. Maybe you should leave the Bellas, it would be easier..."  
"Aubrey," a voice from the door interrupted her and she turned. It was Chloe and she looked quite shocked at her best friend. She must have heard some of what had been said. Aubrey blanched, this had not been part of the plan. "Aubrey would you leave me and Beca for a moment?" The redhead asked and Aubrey got up from her place next to Beca who now felt the tears roll down her cheeks. Chloe had heard, what had she heard, did she know?  
Aubrey walked toward Chloe a little sheepishly.  
"We talk later, Bree," her co-captain said and she didn't sound nor looked very happy. Aubrey ducked through the door into the house and left Chloe alone with a desperate Beca. She would have liked to get up and run away but her legs felt like rubber, her lungs had already trouble breathing. She wouldn't get far, she knew.  
"Beca," Chloe said and sat down where Aubrey had been sitting before. She looked at her friend and saw the fresh tracks of tears on her face. "Oh, Beca, please don't cry," and she lay her arms around her friend.  
Beca felt better in a heartbeat until she felt worse for enjoying an innocent hug a little too much. She drew away and Chloe withdrew her arms.  
"Please don't, Chlo. It's... like Aubrey said, I like you," her voice choked on the words. "I can't take my eyes off you," she added in a very small voice that was filled with shame.  
"And have I ever told you to stop looking at me?"  
"You have noticed?" Beca asked, now in a near panic. Chloe laid a hand on Beca's arm, afraid she might bolt at any moment. At the same time she nodded.  
"It was hard not to," she told her friend who hung her head in shame. "But it's not a bad thing, Beca. I actually liked it."  
"You liked being stared at? Yeah, that must really be great, having some perv look at... all your assets when you're not interested in them at all," Beca said sarcastically. But there was something else in her words, self-loathing and it broke Chloe's heart.  
"Okay, listen. We both know how it is when guys look at you in that certain way, the way that makes you uncomfortable because it makes you feel like meat, not a person at all. You could have looked at me that way when we were in the shower together, but you didn't and I gave you enough to look at that day. You were shy, I was the perv that day because... I did look at you a little and I liked what I saw," Chloe confessed. Beca looked up at her questioningly, not quite believing what she was hearing but far from thinking Chloe was lying. "And when you started to look at me, months later, I knew you were looking at me, Chloe, not just... some piece of ass. Am I right?"  
Beca nodded.  
"So, you see, it's not that you didn't see me when you looked at me. And that made all the difference, Beca. And if I had felt uncomfortable I would have told you to stop. But I didn't."  
"Why not?"  
"Because I like the way you look at me. I like how it makes me feel and I... I may have shown a little more cleavage, and put on the tighter pants because I knew you would appreciate them," Chloe came out and smiled a little.  
"You did?" Chloe nodded. "Because you liked it..." Beca said to herself, trying to understand what exactly Chloe had said and what it indicated.  
"I liked that you looked at me. And I liked looking at you in return," Chloe helped her along.  
Beca simply looked at Chloe after she said that, at her face, into her eyes. And there was something there she had missed in the weeks she had paid such rapt attention to Chloe Beale: interest, an interest in her that went beyond that of a friend.  
"You like me," she said.  
"A lot, Beca," Chloe confirmed. She put her hand on Beca's cheek and leaned into her, her lips touching Beca's softly.


End file.
